games you should play

welcome back to another blog post, ya goblin ghouls. we’re gonna be talking about the VIDEO GAMES! we’ll be talking about the COMPUTER PROGRAMS! do you think that’s funny, reader?! do you find it amusing that we’ll be talking about the BLEEP BLOOPS?! yes, we’re also gonna be talking about GAMEPLAY! STORY! the GRAPHICS! the CHARACTERS! and we will definitely be spending alot of time talking about PERFORMANCE!

first video game, in no particular order… POSTAL 2
postal 2 in a nutshell is, you play as some asshole, dropped into this shithole of a town, and are given the complete freedom to do whatever you want. you wanna go up to someone and have a peaceful and normal conversation? yeah no you actually can’t do that, but you wanna go up to someone, tell them to fuck off, piss on them, throw a sledgehammer at their head, piss on them again and then play fetch with your dog using that persons decapitated head? well you can do that! you don’t have to of course, all of the violence is entirely chosen by you. there is tasks that you have to do, the game works in a day system, there’s 5 days in the base game, from monday to friday, every day you’re given a couple errands you have to do throughout the day, these can range from buying milk, to getting gary colemans autograph, or pissing on your dads grave. (this game really likes piss) typical day to day activities, these tasks typically have some sort of twist where something goes wrong, i won’t spoil them for you. you can also choose to do these tasks in a peaceful manner, such as waiting in line to buy your milk, or you can shoot up the entire store and steal it, the game is VERY janky, and npc’s act incredibly stupid. but it’s not in an annoying and boring bethesda way, its in a really funny and entertaining postal 2 way, to the point where i’d rather have it be like this over the npc’s acting normally. the graphics are of course, bad. it’s from 2003 so ya can’t be too hard on it, although it hasn’t aged that badly, it’s in that half life 2 / source engine kinda way, it’s old obviously, but it really isn’t that bad, and you won’t be complaining about them while you’re playing. the game doesn’t really have the biggest emphasis on story, but there is one and i guess its kinda interesting but not the main focus obviously. the gunplay isn’t really that good but i think it works well enough for what it is, theres also a decently big modding community, the game has steam workshop support so its really easy to mod. theres also a couple expansions. main one is apocalypse weekend, which is included with the steam version of postal 2 and takes place right after the events of the main 5 days, on saturday and sunday. it plays very differently to the main game, rather than being an open world-ish experience, apocalypse weekend is completely linear, playing more like a traditional fps game. it’s not nearly as good, but it isn’t completely awful, and i probably wouldn’t dread replaying it. next up on the list of expansions is corkscrew rules. this is a russian exclusive expansion that isn’t available on steam or anything, it was sold exclusively physically in russia, and it takes place in… well, russia. it’s dogshit, that’s all you need to know, although the map is kinda interesting, it’s a shame that the gameplay sucks really badly, also the plot is… uh… well it’s certainly a plot alright. you can search it up if you want. next expansion, paradise lost, this one was released in 2015 despite the base game coming out in 2003, it takes place after apocalypse weekend, and it’s even better than the base game, it takes place in a post apocalyptic paradise (the town postal 2 is set in) and you’ve gotta find your dog, champ. would recommend, very good, i rate postal 2 a 7.5/10

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second game…. hitman world of assassination
this game so good… i love it… it’s exactly what it sounds like, you play as a hitman, and ya gotta assassinate people, it’s kinda a sandbox game, you can roam this massive map and explore, using anything you can find to help assassinate your targets without causing a commotion, theres loads of different assassinations you can do per target, all of them are really unique and require completely different approaches to the level, some are as simple as shooting them with a suppressed pistol when nobody is around, and some of them are alot more complex, like waiting for the target to come onto a catwalk at a fashion show and breaking the light rig, causing it to crash down on them. there’s seriously alot you can do in this game, you can replay the exact same mission over and over again like 30 times and still have something new happen everytime. unless its colorado, that map fucking sucks. the soundtrack is also pretty good, i’d say it’s one of the most underrated things about this game, people never talk about hitmans soundtrack, but it’s seriously good, sounds straight out of a movie and really sets the theme for a map. i didn’t really pay attention to the story that much (i did to an extent) but it seems pretty interesting and i have heard it’s good. alright let’s do a quick map ranking, (only including the hitman 1 and hitman 2 expansion dlc maps) 3 2 1 GO! worst one is colorado as i said before, it’s a boring map thematically and there’s not much variety with kills. alright then we got marrakesh, that map just aint that fun to be honest, same problem with kill variety as colorado. can’t say more. next up is new york, i don’t like it that much, it just wasn’t interesting to me, thematically it’s very plain, the target is okay but the other objective just felt like a chore. next up… bangkok, i really love the theming but the map feels too big and ken morgan isn’t that fun of a target, haven island comes next and it’s cool, theming is really nice and i like how it becomes stormy towards the end of the mission, but it felt a little bit too long. next up has gotta be hokkaido, i really like this map, it looks absolutely beautiful and the whole not being able to bring equipment thing is a really unique and fun challenge, sapienza is next and i really like the idea of there being a completely normal looking town, with a whole biolab underneath silvio’s mansion, and i really love slowly getting deeper and deeper into the facility as you play, now… my favourite map… is paris. paris as a hitman map is literally the only good thing to come out of france. (also baguettes), both targets have lots of variety and the atmosphere is perfect. anyway, game’s really fun with lots of replayability, i give it a… 8/10
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final one… once again, this list isn’t in any particular order… bomb rush cyberfunk
i really don’t know how to say that much about this game, it’s really something you have to play to understand how fluid and fun the gameplay is, so i’ll keep this one short. with that in mind, i’ll try explain the basics of bomb rush cyberfunk. so, i’m guessing you probably have heard of a game called jet set radio? if you haven’t, it’s a game developed by smilebit and published by sega in the year 2000, the basics of the game involve rollerskating around and tagging the town with graffiti while trying to not get caught by the police, it’s a cool concept and if you can ignore the absolutely HORRENDOUS controls, it’s pretty fun. but what would jet set radio be like if it DIDN’T control like shit? well, that’s exactly what bomb rush cyberfunk is, same concept, rollerskate (or skateboard) (or ride a bmx) around an open world map this time, tagging it with graffiti and evading the police, although bomb rush cyberfunk does have much less of an emphasis on police and focuses more on the gang territorial control aspects, which is the only thing i don’t really like, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. now, as i was saying before, the controls are buttery smooth. this game is an absolute DREAM to control, as previously stated, it’s a little bit difficult to explain how controls feel over text, but just trust me ok? they’re really good. the game does have a story. i don’t really care about it but it’s not awful though and it definitely serves its purpose of being the reason why the events of the game happen. towards the end it does actually get kind of interesting. of course i also have to talk about the music, it’s really good. i wouldn’t say it’s better or worse than jet set radio’s soundtrack, it’s just different. jet set radio has more of a focus on a singular genre rather than variety, it’s mainly comprised of funky electronic music and a small amount of rap songs, which is absolutely perfect if you’re into that kind of stuff (i know i am), but if you’re someone who doesn’t care for these genres, it’s gonna get annoying having that be the only thing you hear. bomb rush cyberfunk definitely has waaaay more variety, there’s rap songs, electronic funk, chill lofi songs, other genres that i remember from playing the game but i can’t be bothered to actually find out what they were. once again, just take my word for it. i am also now realizing while writing this that i said this was gonna be a short section at the start, and now i’ve made it the same size as the hitman section. whatever, aint changing it now! overall, i give bomb rush cyberfunk a 8/10! also theres a multiplayer mod which literally just turns the game into an mmo. it’s called slopcrew, search it up, it’s really fun.
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well, there you have it, 3 games you should consider checking out. oh, by the way, hitman world of assassination has a really confusing purchase system, but if you wanna get all of the main maps and missions buy the standard edition, and then get the hitman 2 expansion pass for the new york and haven island dlc maps. no need to thank me, you can also just buy part 1 and then purchase the standard edition upgrade from the in game store. (at the time of writing this, part 1 and the standard edition upgrade are both on sale, so go check it out. glad you decided to read that entire thing, random person on the internet! thanks for stoppin’ by. feel free to tell me some games you like in the comments.